A treasured friend of mine sent me an A.A. Milne quote recently. And it couldn’t have come at a better time.
“Always remember you are Braver than you Believe, Stronger than you Seem, Smarter than you Think and Loved more than you know.”
Thank you, Katie. Thank you for being a friend (kind of like the Golden Girls, but different), thank you for being the calm that surrounds the storm, for being an ear, for being thoughtful, and for just being you. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found such a great friendship.
Undoubtedly it’s been an emotional few months, a time where I’ve slept even less than I usually do (and I am a TERRIBLE sleeper), and things seem to hit me more, hurt me more, than they usually would. I feel a bit like bruised fruit; I’m still sweet, but I feel like I’m covered in blemishes or little dents that show just how much I’ve been jostled lately.
The thing about bruised fruit is, it might not be the most beautiful, but when it’s picked and handled with care, once you slice it open you’ll find that you can cut around the bruised bits and it’s still pretty great. But not everyone chooses the bruised fruit. And eventually, if it’s not chosen, that fruit just rots. It loses all its sweetness and just gets pitched.
When you’re feeling like bruised fruit, you can’t always wait for someone to choose you. You have to choose yourself. You have to open yourself up, expose all the bruises, and then find love for yourself and ALL your good bits.
Lately I have found myself feeling very bruised, not quite good enough, disappointed, and down. I can appreciate that I am absolutely entitled to feel the way I do. In fact, in times like this you have to let yourself feel, BUT then you have to allow yourself to heal. Only I haven’t been all that good at the healing.
Beauford’s diagnosis rocked my very core. He is what saved my life and gave me a purpose. He was always my reason to get up, and get out every single day, even the wretched ones. He has given me laughter, and unconditional love. The idea of waking up and him not being here has forced me to face a fear I haven’t felt in years. Thus, the other things going on in my life have hit me harder, and definitely hurt me more. My mind has wandered and I’ve worried.
Admittedly, I have fallen victim to feeling a bit too sorry for myself, my situation. While sifting through veterinary journal articles, and replaying conversations with specialists in my head, I felt overwhelmed. When compounded with all that I’ve been dealing with outside of the vet stuff, I started to wallow and be swallowed by so much emotion. And wallowing helps no one, not me and especially not Beauford.
Someone I love deeply reminded me recently that I can do better, I can be better. Though tough to hear, sometimes you need that boost, that reminder, of what you’re truly capable of. I’ve been too bogged down. I’ve been allowing myself to feel, but haven’t done enough to heal. Somehow I forgot that I am the creator of my own happiness.
I have such a tremendous amount to be grateful for, so many people (friends and strangers alike) have been so incredibly generous, selfless, thoughtful, and kind. I’ve been on the receiving end of so much support, from near and far, and it has given me the boost I needed to keep going. Where I’ve gone wrong is allowing the things I don’t have, to matter more than what I do.
I am taking stock of all the little things, investing in friendships with people that are healthy, letting go of those that are not, devoting time to making each day special, and forging ahead in my plans to build a legacy for Beauford.
I am committed to giving back, creating my own happiness, and living each day grounded by gratitude.