It’s 3:45 a.m., and I’ve been awake for a wee bit nursing a dog that’s just not feeling well. I sleep very lightly; but lately, since all this started, I don’t sleep very well at all. I’m exhausted; therefore, I should be able sleep, but it evades me. And tonight is one of the reasons why.
Beauford got up early this morning, and as soon as I heard his claws click on the floor I knew something wasn’t right. I got up to check on him and his tail did not wag when I pet him. A sure sign that something was amiss. I wondered, at first, whether if having some knuckle bone today was going to be mean there would be another poo-pa-looza in the backyard, but one good look at him told me otherwise.
I brought him downstairs, and as we went to walk in the yard he hesitated, then vomited. It’s tough to know whether this is because of the (now uncertain) cancer, or the fact that if he goes too many hours without eating overnight he seems to get sick to his stomach. So, here I am at 3:53 a.m., waiting for scrambled eggs (that I just made) to cool so that I can feed him, see if he has any appetite, cross my fingers and hope he doesn’t vomit again.
At the moment things seem so vicious. And by things, I mean life. I got some news a couple of days ago (that isn’t mine to share publicly just yet) and it was an unbelievable cruel twist. Another kick to the gut that’s already taken quite the gut-kicking of late.
As I made eggs just now I had a moment where I needed to breath deeply, and not crumble. We are out of coconut oil. Not a big deal; right? Well, it isn’t, but it oddly symbolized something else. It was representative of the fact that I am absolutely in “this” alone. I was supposed to go to Costco on the weekend to get more, but Beauford’s bad night Friday meant that didn’t happen. That set off a particular chain of events, and now this particular Costco connection is gone. I no longer have my partner to give me a hug when I so desperately need one. I have memories, lots of fantastic memories, but I don’t have him.
What I most certainly do have are some family and friends who have been seriously supportive. Though, I am incredibly grateful for that, having that one you love hug you feels different. It’s a different kind of comfort. Most everyone knows that, so I doubt anyone will fault me for feeling the way I do. Thus, I’ve lost a lot over these past few days and I must admit I haven’t handled it very well. Poorly, in fact. I give myself a failing grade for keeping my sh*t together.
As I have mourned the total loss of my relationship, and more so the vacant space in my life where someone who became a best friend once stood, it’s been beyond words hard. I’ve had a difficult time just letting go. I realize now that’s because I’ve lost someone I love all while facing the impending loss of the one being in my life that loves me unconditionally, Beauford. It’s been damn near impossible to move on when my instinct right now is to grip on and fight for those I love.
So, here we sit. Beauford snuggled up next to me on the couch and we wait. We wait for the eggs to cool and to see if this is the cancer-barfs or the empty-stomach barfs…